His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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