everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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