Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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