Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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