My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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