Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We were destined to go to rehab together
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
