Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
