Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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