OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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