Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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