Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
