I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
