3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
