she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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