i wish my penis had a tongue
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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