I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
