how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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