I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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