I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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