I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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