I just cut my nipple shaving
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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