You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
