My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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