there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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