I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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