I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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