I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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