He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Only a mothe r could love this liver
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
