I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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