I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
