where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
