So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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