I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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