either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
