all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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