We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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