big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
