If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
