my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
