you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
