Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
