you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I party with great urgency now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
