It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
