The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
