I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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