I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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