cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
