I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
