It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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