We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
