My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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