new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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