I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
