we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
