The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
