I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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