i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
