I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
