The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
