I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
