someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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